I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
