Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize