she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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