I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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