Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
