She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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