I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
