I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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