I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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