Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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