Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
