Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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