I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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