Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
