Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
