is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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