Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
