She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
