I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
