i already hear my dad disowning me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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