i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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