someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
