I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
