I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
