she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My feet surprised me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
