My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
