so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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