This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize