so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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