Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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