Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
