I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This house was built for laser tag.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
