My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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