yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
