final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
