ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
