She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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