im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
