Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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