I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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