Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
