I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize