Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
