i don't like sucking hair
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The power of my boobs compel you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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