Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
