There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
