Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
