i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
