maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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