I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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