Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
