there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
