He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
