i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Randomize
