I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
