After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
