I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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