i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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