maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
