No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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